So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
