3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
