DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
