I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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