Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
