and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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