So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
