two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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