i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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