She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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