I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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