my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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