he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
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