oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
