He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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