Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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