I cannot find my penis.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
