you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
