She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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