I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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