for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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