Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
