Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
