you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
In other news, I just burned my penis
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
