I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
