forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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