so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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