I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
