You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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