I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just pee around me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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