I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
