so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
