The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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