The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
