Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
