She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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