"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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