After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
