I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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