I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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