My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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