i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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