he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
