Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
