I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
