I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
