i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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