i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
