made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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