look no pants
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
