Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Blood and glitter go together right?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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