i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
