i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
